The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Soon, the airwaves will be filled with commercials for Macy's and Target instructing us (us, the American consumer) to get ready for the mooooost wonderful tiiiiiime of the yeeeaarrrr. The most wonderful time of the year for retail giants, like Wal-Mart and the like who are, now, predicting their fourth quarter earning profits, mouths-a-watering with forecasts of what the numbers for "Black Friday" might be. Cable news anchors, supremely coiffed hair moving nary an inch, will report if "consumer confidence" was up or down this year. Starbucks will sell gingerbread lattes and Bill O'Reilly will devote large segments of his informative, fair and balanced programming, to the widespread attack on Christmas.

Ahhh yes, when I see the giant Christmas tree go up in plainview at Rockerfeller Center and every major department store decorated like some sort of oversized Candy Land board I cannot help but think that Christmas is, clearly, doomed. Of course, anything Bill O'Reilly does or says at this point can be promptly filed under "parody". It really is too bad Saint Nick can't come crashing down upon his fat-head but, sadly, father Christmas is probably too busy being taken to court by those anti-Christmas meanies, the ACLU, and, heretoforth, is being prohibited from shimmying down any chimneys to deliver toys. Thank baby Jesus we have a serious man like, Fox news contributer, John Gibson to list the widespread attack on Christmas and the endless indignities so many Christians will, no doubt, face next month.

Don't believe Christmas is getting the shit kicked out of it? Read this, America:

Yes, Virginia, there is a war on Christmas. It’s the secularization of America’s favorite holiday and the ever-stronger push toward a neutered “holiday” season so that non-Christians won’t be even the slightest bit offended.
Traditionalists get upset when they’re told—more and more these days—that celebrating Christmas in any public way is a violation of church and state separation. That is certainly not what the founders intended when they wrote, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”
John Gibson, a popular anchor for the Fox News Channel, has been digging up evidence about the liberal activists, lawyers, politicians, educators, and media people who are leading the war on Christmas. And he reveals that the situation is worse than you can imagine. For instance:

• In Illinois, state government workers were forbidden from saying the words “Merry Christmas” while at work
• In Rhode Island, local officials banned Christians from participating in a public project to decorate the lawn of City Hall
• A New Jersey school banned even instrumental versions of traditional Christmas carols
• Arizona school officials ruled it unconstitutional for a student to make any reference to the religious history of Christmas in a class project
Millions of Americans are starting to fight back against the secularist forces and against local officials who would rather surrender than be seen as politically incorrect. Gibson shows readers how they can help save Christmas from being twisted beyond recognition, with even the slightest reference to Jesus completely disappearing.
The annual debate will be hotter than ever in 2005, and this book will be perfect for everyone who’s pro-Christmas.

No one likes it when their friends forget their birthdays and all you atheists and jews beware: Jesus is gonna be mad when he comes back and finds out you were trying to shut down his birthday party. And, if the Jesus who comes back is anything like the one described in Tim LaHaye's "Left Behind" books you are in for a major ass kicking: the son of God will take one look at you and your face will explode, then your blood will curdle and melt. I am not making this up, in fact, the books apparently go into gross detail about what happens to unbelievers after the rapture, and it sounds like a scene most fans of slasher and gore movies (you know, the ones that are sullying our nation's youths?) would die to see. In fact, the Left Behind series, with it's uplifting scenes of a thousand year war and an ultra-violent Jesus who lives not to forgive but to avenge might be the perfect gift to give this Christmas.

I know, I know, Jesus is the reason for the season but it doesn't hurt to buy, buy, buy too especially if it's from your local Mega-Corporate Christian Publishing house. I doubt Pat Robertson or Tim LaHaye would discourage their Christian flock from, say, shunning gifts altogether and just, you know, celebrating the birth of Christ with nothing but prayer, no presents, no chintzy decorations, no elaborate show, just simple remembrance and a deeply personal day of faith.

But, wait a second, that doesn't sound like Christmas!!?!?